This little bit of confusion here...

I feel like this is the worst "season" to be going through any sort of emotional problems. I must thank each and every one of you who have been there and here for me, in so many different ways. I'm possibly just going through the motions, but right now I'm very confused.

Thing is, I'm very much of a people person. I used to say that people can really inspire me, make me feel like there is so much good in this world, make me believe in so many things, and yet people can really de-motivate you and put you down. People. Well, people are just too complex and this is driving me crazy right now.

I wrote this line (or something that sounds like this) in my blog when I was about 19:

Why is it that the same people who ask you to speak up are the same people to ask you to shut up?

Back then, I was referring more to my family, but right now it feels like this applies to people around me. I haven't really been able to open up to many people about what I've been going through. It's ironic that the people who ask you to tell them what happened, or asks you if you needed to talk, are the same people who seem annoyed by my troubles. There's no putting blame in here. I suppose that's normal. Nobody likes troubles. I know a few people who would always check on others, and take pleasure in doing so, but they are a minority, an endangered species. It's normal for other people to want to bother with their own lives instead of trying to understand someone else's life, or their problems.

It's just frustrating to me, because I feel like I didn't dare open up to people, and then people ask me if I want to, and then when I do, they start acting oddly. This seems like a rather silly situation, if you ask me. Because the truth is, I appreciate and love their friendship (and perhaps simple companionship) more than anything else. And if my talking about my problems somehow complicates that, I can choose to not talk to anyone. Since that bothers everyone so.

This is my press statement perhaps; that I only need your friendship, your listening ear (if you're ever willing to give me that), and perhaps some advice (if you could spare some), and stories. I'm not looking for pity or someone to "look out" for me, or to make this entire fiasco about "ME". Of course I realise and know it's NOT about "me". It's never about "me". The universe simply doesn't work that way.

Sorry that this post sounds so bitter. Bitterness is definitely not my best friend, and I'm trying to avoid it, but if my problems are somehow making one single person feel bitter or annoyed or bothered or angry or anything at all, I don't want that to happen. I don't want to lose a single friend in this entire process.

Please understand. I really do not want to lose a single friend. Every person who has come into my life means so much to me.

Please let me know if anything I'm doing or saying is bothering you in any way. I would appreciate that very much. At least I could also learn from it; and that gives me space to analyse if the way I'm acting is appropriate at all.

Lots of love to all. It may be a gloomy day, but I hope some sunshine will find its way into each and everyone of your lives.

EDIT: After laying off the confusion a little, I realised something and this was what I wrote to someone too...

I believe there will be an answer. Will continue to look for it or hold out for it, but until that happens, I'd be grateful if I continue to have great friends by my side. It's not an expectation, though. I understand when everyone's busy. I understand I can't make it about "me", too. Because everyone is going through something.