This needs no title

It's 4.40am as I'm typing this. There are just a few things I want to say. One: I want to thank you readers for leaving encouraging comments. Even when I don't reply, I definitely take heed or take what you say into consideration. Thank you. Two: I'm feeling quite miserable tonight. It's a cold night, so it gets pretty lonely. I'm sure I'll be able to get through the night, I guess I just need to write a little.

I was going to post this on my Facebook, but I don't know why I didn't. Self-censorship, perhaps. There, it is for the entire world (well, all the people in my friends list) to see. But here, I know only a few will see this. And if you found your way here, I guess it means you care enough to want to know how I'm doing. So this was what I wanted to say on Facebook:

"Marvellous. It's 4.30am. I have a cold and I can't breathe. Running my hair dryer on full speed all over my body. Crazily hungry. I want KFC, laksa, and chicken chop.

But what I really NEED is some sleep. It's been eluding me like this thing called "love". Why am I rambling? This is what happens when you don't get enough sleep, and your brain and heart are deprived of the source of life.

Yes. Let's keep it at that."

It's just a little hard tonight. There's a small part of me that craves the human touch. The little girl in me wants to hugged to sleep tonight. But maybe it's not just the little girl in me. Maybe I want to held as a grown woman. I want someone to hold me tight. It's made harder when I do have someone in mind, and I actually wonder if that person even gives me two hoots about nothing. And who cares if I'm using the correct expression?

I'm so tired. I really need to sleep.

I shouldn't be thinking about people at this point. But it's funny, really. It's always the people that drive you crazy. People. People. People.


Or person.

Damn this heart.

You're it.

I do wonder a little about what I've become. All these emotions running through my mind and heart do not help, either. I feel like I need to run around in circles, frustrate myself, break down and cry, and repeat. For I do not know if there will ever be a relief for what I'm feeling.

It's obvious. It's clear who's at the end of the losing deal. Of course, the winner takes it all. Sure, we can go all out and say that society has changed. But let's face the facts - how much? I may be a feminist, or at least I believe in the empowerment of women, that's for sure, but here's the deal: I am a 27 year old woman who has been engaged before, got that engagement BROKEN (just like her heart and everything else). I don't really care about how people view me, I say. But the truth is, maybe I do. Maybe the paranoia and anger and all that accompany this illness make me slightly afraid of rejection. I feel like I was somehow "chosen" to go on a special mission, and was thrown with all these tasks, challenges, and PEOPLE I had to face along the way.

Sure, it can be no big deal. A lot of my female friends are my age and single. But heck, they haven't been engaged before. I do wonder what guys think, that's the truth. What they would think of this situation. This sounds silly but would they see me as a second-hand item? An object someone chose to toss aside after playing with it like a Russian doll? Or would they see me as me? I am still the same person. Definitely more jaded (right now, at least), but I am still who I am. But what does it take for someone to see that? The question is, what does it take for someone to even see me for who I am? To accept me for who I am? That seems a billion miles away, and the earth may not even be that big.

But it is a gigantic planet. We have 7 billion people and counting, and we're facing one of present day's greatest problems - overpopulation. But heck, everyone still wants to meet their so-called "soulmate" and mate. And this would just create more people, and therefore, more problems.

But 7 billion people. That's a lot of people to face. And meet. And get to know. So some people ask me if I'd consider dating girls at this point. And the truth is, why not? I never look at anything of the person but the person's... well, being. In essence, I suppose, I look at WHO the person is, rather than WHAT the person is with regards to race, religion, creed, sexuality, gender, etc. Though, of course, my preference is men. It's just too bad for me, because I love men. Despite the fact that they're massive assholes who are so full of themselves, who can't appreciate anything or anyone. Or maybe I'm just meeting the wrong ones. Maybe I have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet the right frog to turn into my "prince".

But how many heartbreaks does it take? And how intense and painful do the heartbreaks need to be? And why? I can't see why. I just don't understand. Which got me to thinking. You see all these quotes around about girls. About how the good girls always have to go through heartbreaks, or they don't get picked, or they are treated badly, and it's all because the men can't see them for who they are, or that they are the "good" apples up in the highest point of the tree, so guys go for the easier ones. But (pardon my language) WHAT THE HECK? Are we really that stupid to fall for that? To really believe that? Let's face it. MEN LOVE BITCHES.

AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!

So it's NOT a good heart that we have. It's weak nerves. It's the inability to stand up for ourselves. To clear out the clutter, the useless men, the assholes, the idiots, the stupid scissors, papers, stones in all the equations of all men.

So I wonder what I've become. I wonder if the universe set all these up to be this way. As a grand masterplan. So that I would be able to open my eyes and see. To see that MEN ARE ALL STUPID CREATURES and that we'd be better off alone. Or that I just shouldn't give my heart to people who simply don't care. Even if they say they do. Those are LIES. They can go down on one or both knees and pop out a ring and promise you everything, and then go and break every single one of their promises, BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL BULLSHIT. They can flirt with you, make you think that there was something and make you feel special, and then tell you that you were NOTHING.

"You're nothing".

But really, who's the one who's nothing? Men, I'm sorry but you're all just bullshitting. You are too stupid because you can't see who are the ones worth fighting for. Why don't you come to your senses?

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Really. You choose a girl that plays with your heart? That toys you around? That plays mind games with you simply because she's able? You are way too stupid.

This hurts. Of course it does. And I feel like I am so stupid for being who I am. But I just need to hold on to faith that someday, someone will look at me and see me for all that I am. ALL THAT I AM. And will appreciate every single bit of it, including all my flaws and imperfections.

But I do wonder, though, about HOW I'm going to be able to get one step closer to meeting that person. You see, I said earlier that I have been asked if I would consider dating girls. I have also been asked if I would consider dating someone younger or older than I am. The truth is, this is way too tricky. The reason is because younger men are not attracted to me. And I have dated older men, and significantly so, even when I was younger, so I don't know if that would stand a chance. And to wrap up this complication is this: When I was 23, someone once said that I was "an old soul trapped in a young body". And now that I'm 27, some people say I am "young at heart". And for both, they kind of ring true. So I'm a little bit of everything. And that's kind of confusing for guys. They pretend they like complicated women for a while, then they realise they can't handle them anyway. BECAUSE MEN DON'T HAVE GUTS.

This wasn't meant to bash men. So I guess I'm sorry. But I'm not sorry for saying how I feel. So I'm 27, and men my age are either taken, or if they are not, they are most likely gay, have commitment issues, or want girls who are younger.

Or one of these days I'm just going to pick up a rock, throw it randomly into a crowd, and whoever it lands on, I'm going to go up to him/her, and say "You're it".

All the good men are gay, taken or fictional characters

I'm writing because I don't think anyone would read this, and I needed a form of release. It's strange, because in a way, I want people to know (I AM tired of hiding what I have), and in another way, I am slightly ashamed. Not in a hang-down-your-head kind of shame, but in a slight, pulling-my-skirt-below-my-knee kind of shame. A certain kind of shyness, perhaps.

I don't think I need to be ashamed, especially because I did choose to come out with it. It was my decision, and no one else's. But here's the thing. Some people may now know that I have bipolar disorder, but they don't know the implications of me having this illness.

This is not a project paper, so why bother going into details? Not now, and besides, there are plenty of those to be found online. Google "bipolar disorder" and you get various answers. Many answers.

One thing, however, that people don't talk about much, because it's such a taboo, because it's such a hush-hush situation, is that this disorder also causes one thing - hypersexuality. What this means, in simple words, is that we're hornier creatures than usual people. Pardon my crude language, but I couldn't think of a better way to put that forward. It apparently affects up to 80% of people with this disorder.

And let me tell you where the problem comes in (not intended to be punny, NO):

When you're single, and no available man seems to be in your horizon.

There. Because I find it funny, that in my case, my medications messed up my unusually high drive. I suddenly lost interest altogether, and couldn't be bothered. But when I did feel like it, it was as if I could never be satisfied. Rarely, at least. But when I felt like it, it felt like I could keep on going. Or at least I wanted to.

But you know that feeling when you've just gotten single recently? Well, besides the fact that the feeling obviously sucks. Besides the fact that you've gotten your heart broken AGAIN (or, in this case, again and again). There is so much pain, but that's besides the point. As you can see, racing thoughts and the inability to focus are also problems associated with bipolar disorder. So back to what I was saying. So, when one recently becomes single again, and has no means to obtain intimacy... anyway, no, that's besides the point too.

What I AM trying to say is that for some reason that is personal to me, yet unfathomable to myself, I equate sex with intimacy with trust with... love. Or feelings, to put simply. I need to have feelings for someone to be truly intimate with that person. Uh, kissing people don't count. What I mean is true intimacy. And I have been described from being extremely shy to wild and free when it comes to giving and making love. I have been overwhelmed with emotions before; I have cried.

So yes, this post is actually an emotional post. I am feeling lonely, and the lack of intimacy or human touch is killing me. And it doesn't help that being hypomanic (on and off) revs my sex drive.

But what I truly miss is someone stroking my hair and holding me tight.

Why must every awesome man out there be gay, taken, fictional characters, or not interested in me? OR they might be, but I don't know? I'm not? Or maybe, I don't know. There's no chemistry? Or they just don't even show interest.

Or I'm too blind. Either I think someone likes me when they don't (yes, I'm that stupid, this happened once). OR I think someone doesn't like me and they actually do!! And sometimes they don't even tell, like, for years. WHYYYY?

So I'm going to decide whether I'm going to settle for intimacy without the feelings, or stick with my feelings but if I do (stick with my feelings, that is), I'm pretty much stuck. Because my heart, right now, is not by my side.

I am very open to someone stealing it away, though.

Somehow, someway, I am still a (hopeful) romantic.