Thursday, November 24, 2011

When your mind's made up

The truth is, I'm struggling so hard just to live right now. People can call me "emo", or "difficult" or whatever it is they want to label me, I really don't care. Except that I do. I think it should be safe for me to write here, or rant here. I know I have two followers, and they both do not know him, so it should be alright. In any case, if I receive complaints, I'll take the post down. I mean no harm. I just need to write this down. I need to acknowledge how I'm feeling.

1.04am, 24 Nov 2011
I've been severely depressed the whole day. I am missing the people who left my life - whether by choice, or by death. I feel crippled. I have no one. My fiance and I broke up because he fell for someone else. He said I was too difficult to handle, and she was the "better" choice. I wish I never had bipolar.

I wish I was dead. I would want to take my own life. But I've tried it before. And two years ago, I tried it and ended up causing more trouble instead. That was what led my ex to fall for someone else. That was what made me alone.

Maybe I shouldn't bother.

~~~~~~


He kept saying, even after we were over, that she is the true one he really loves. I hope one day they'll be together. I am very angry at him, and the many things that have happened, but I wish him the best. Except that it's crippling me inside.

I have "uncertain" feelings for other people, too. But I'll probably never act out on them ever again, because the last time I did, I got a big blow right at my face. And now the person is keeping away from me. I wish I knew what I did wrong. I wish we could still be friends.

So the other day I was talking to a friend, and I said that I was tired of making the first move. I was tired of even bringing things up, athough this confuses me so. You see, I have lost people in my past, some by death. And I regret completely for not being honest with telling them about how I feel. So I chose a different route. I chose to tell them how I feel, as long as I'm still alive. But then they shun away. They run away.

Am I really that scary?

I thought he was the right one. Now I feel like no one can ever love me or accept me for who I am, including the fact that I have bipolar. The break up happened three months ago, I thought I would have felt better by now, but I still feel miserable. And every time I see him, I can't help but feel so hurt. I'm reminded of someone who went down on his knees and made promises he couldn't even keep.

I've always been unlucky in love, so when he happened, I thought that I had my break. But now it all seems to fall apart. I just feel so hurt.

~~~~~~


I have been going through such a rough time. Some days I am happier that he is gone, but some days I can't help but remember the better days (or, when I'm "sane", I call them my more manic days; when every thing seems fine and dandy even when they actually weren't). I am an artist - I'm an actor and writer, and I wish I was more inspired during moments like these. I do think that these moments of neuroses do help with my craft, though. At least I'm trying to look at the brighter side of things.


~~~~~~


2.20pm, 24 Nov 2011
It's 2.20pm, I just woke up and I still feel terribly depressed. I don't feel like I'll ever be okay ever again. I'm so sorry for bringing negative energy here. When my ex-fiance and I were together, he always said I always bring people down. He said I was good for nothing. I asked him why I was always proud of him, but he was never proud of me, and he said that it was because I did nothing.

I'll never bother any of you ever again. If you want to find me, you know where to find me. Otherwise, goodbye, have a nice life.

And it kills me that to every person I have ever said "I love you" to, I have meant it.

And it kills me knowing that they never did.

1 comment:

  1. Though I don't have a clear understanding of how the bipolar illness affect you and your life, I do believe somewhere in your heart, you still spare some love for your family and god especially.The thought/ attempt of taking your own life is definitely against all religions. I want you to know that everything happens for a reason. God will not give us problems unless he knows that we are able to handle them.

    I admit that it's really painful for you to stay alive and fight the illness when the one who used to love you refuse to stay by your side let alone keep his promises.The more you you keep thinking of him, the more you will get hurt.Please...just let go of him and his memories.

    Keep on praying that your wishes to meet someone better than hime ASAP are granted by God. Clear your head from any sort of negative things.

    Have you heard of 'The Secret'? 'The law of attraction'? If you know about it, there is no harm to believe in magic.

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